Wednesday, May 16, 2012

new wave

Set yourself out to sea,
set yourself out to be free.
The tides will turn; the moon and sun will rise and set.
But you; you! shall be free
to float along in your boat,
to battle the waves;
the sharks;
the terrible sea monsters,
to navigate the salty waters.
And when you finally reach a foreign shore,
you will know what it was
you set yourself free for.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

and I get more than I deserve

Lately it seems I've taken to crying for no reason. Something small, some tiny feeling brought on by a song; voice; memory; place creeps upon me and like water being drawn up from a well suddenly a wave moves up from my stomach to my throat to my eyes and before I know it tears just burst out and I dont even know if I'm happy or sad and when I shout aloud, "Why am I crying?" I dont know the answer but I know it's not sadness, not mostly, and maybe its nostalgia; missing; wishing; yearning but it somehow ends up beautiful and hopeful and grateful.
The other night I went back inside my heart and thought about the people I've loved, or thought I loved, or never loved, and I realized just how many kinds of love, and not love, there are, and some are the right kind and some are the wrong kind and some aren't love at all and some are prequels to love that never have the chance to pan out, but those are the kind that make your heart wistful; wistful for that glance up from the table into the other person's eyes and knowing you're looking at the other person, just as they are, and they're looking back at you, just as you are. And some kinds of love are the kind that last forever, the feelings you hold in your heart for the people most dear to you; and some kinds of love are inexplicable, and you just do simply because you cannot.
It's all just a reminder that your heart--and my heart, too--can never, nor should never, be too full.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mark the date

Apparently I’m now a person who goes on dates, so if you want to set me up with anyone you know or go out on a date with me, do it now, before I get fed up, go off the grid and sequester myself away with a bunch of cats.

Posts about dating to inevitably follow.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

so here goes something. or something.

I write to find out how I feel and what I think; I avoid writing because I’m afraid to find out. Writing is discovery. It’s acknowledgment. When I start writing with a vague feeling or thought, I usually find out much more than I expect. And then it’s there in front of me, and I have to see it; face it; know it; accept it. Ignorance is bliss, or something, so I don’t write. Writing is saying it out loud, and there are some things that you just can’t say out loud. Not now, not yet, not ever. But I’m trying out this thing where I’m more vulnerable. And that means writing. Writing the things I don’t know, the things I do know, the things I find out, the things I want to find out. Being vulnerable means knowing myself and sharing it. Knowing myself first comes from writing. Writing is easy; knowing is hard. Sharing is almost impossible. Sharing means other people can know you. And that’s scary.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

a year in review, sort of

It’s been almost a year and half and I finally found the perfect song. After feeling the impact of every sad/love/sad-love song like it was written just for me but knowing it wasn’t—there was no love; god, was there absolutely no love—I found it, and it’s bittersweet in every cliché way, and it’s funny how little it all crosses my mind now except every now and again and when I talk about it, it’s not like stabbing myself in the chest, and do we ever really learn from anything, anyway, or are we—am I—doomed to go on and on and on like we do, hurting people in our way, getting hurt by people who put themselves in our way, or maybe they didn’t ask to get in our way at all. But we can’t stop, cutting a swath on our way to what? to success? to accomplishment? to freedom? I hope you don’t end up in a ditch somewhere, but I guess you got what you wanted, and I finally feel free and happy and I wasn’t listening at the Christmas church service, but the one thing I did hear was when the pastor said that it’s almost a new year—and once it’s here, there’s no point in worrying about everything that happened in the year past; it’s over; no point in dwelling on it, and he’s right, and there are so many things I’m tired of dwelling on and there are some things you have to do and be done with and it’s hard, certainly, but it’s Over. and Done. and if they weren’t you surely would have buried me by now. Germany probably saved my life or at least my sanity. If I hadn’t of had to slow down I don’t know where I would be right now or how burned out or how strung out or fried—I couldn’t have kept going, and as I’ve said more than once in the last 48 hours, both teary-eyed and drunkenly in the dark and sleepy-eyed and laughing in the sunshine, this year has to be better than last.

I’m finally coming to terms with the idea/fact/concept that I’m not the same as I was, or maybe I’m still the same but I’m allowing myself to feel and be the things I never let myself before. I worked so hard to be so tough, and so strong, but I don’t think I ever was, but I’m tired of berating myself for everything I think I shouldn’t be because, as it all turns out, I’m soft. And I’m weak. Metaphorically and literally, and I’ve got scraped up knees to prove it. We get fucked, we get fucked with and we get fucked up but I guess we do learn at some point to know better, or at least our reaction time gets a little quicker each time and maybe the universe wants to balance itself or it’s just playing a terribly slow game of see-saw since the end of 2010 started to slide down and down and down and the end of 2011 started to tip up and up and maybe not quite so up, but after all, she sings, it won’t take long to fall in love, and starting the first few days of the new year with the people I love, nursing a hangover; eating chilaquiles and cinnamon rolls; sitting in a tattoo shop; laying on the couch watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is all I really ever wanted to do.