Because you can't do work at work all the time, and sometimes you look at lolcats

M: I'm assuming cats need special keyboards since their dexterity is limited.
B: It is? I thought they were nimble, quick and always ready to pounce.
M: They are, certainly, but that lack of movable digits will be their ultimate downfall, because if they can't keep up with technology, they'll be obsolete.
B: So birds will be fine but not dogs and cats?
M: Unfortunately.

This is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

After not being touched or touching someone for a while, accidently brushing hands or arms or knocking knees with a stranger is foreign and uncomfortable for the first few seconds, and then like being hugged tightly and having sweet things whispered in your ear, and ultimately like being pushed out of the car and left on the side of the road.

Dandelion Wine

I'm going to go back.
I'm going to go to the old places I used to wander, play, hide.
I'm going to get coffee and have tea with old friends, old neighbors.
I'm going to spend time with the girl who's really not just my cousin, but my older sister, the only person my age who's known me since I was born, the girl I would do anything for--like eat dog food at age 7 when dared.
I'm going to see the house I grew up in, the woods, the rope swing over the creek.
I'm going to cry and cry and cry and cry.
I'm going to start figuring out what's wrong with me; why I'm stuck; why I let people hurt me over and over; why I don't know what I want; what I want.
I'm going to read and read and read
and write and write and write.
I'm going to get drunk with my cousin while floating on the lake.
I'm going to run around barefoot in the woods and wade through creeks and climb trees and discover the spaces not so often tread on.
I'm going to go to a show by myself at some tiny bar downtown.
I'm going to talk to people I don't know and ask them about themselves and watch their faces and hands while they talk.
I'm going to be alone.
and I'm going to be okay.

We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!

Everyone knows I love men.

I love to look at them, think about them and daydream about them.
Especially when they're tall
and cute
and handsome
and clever and witty and intelligent
and maybe have a sleeve of tattoos or some piercings and mmmmmm.

Hold on, where was I going with this?

Oh yes, I love men. But in theory, not in practice.

They are full of themselves.
Seriously, no one likes to talk about themselves as much as a man does:
"Hello, I am so ____ and ____ and ____. Did I mention how ____ I am? Let me tell you more about how amazing I am at ____."

They don't know what they want
(even though they pretend to).
Then they wander around the globe
or their room
reading Nietzsche and Kerouac and Sartre
and somehow end up back in the same place,
though at first perhaps claiming to be newly Buddhist
or vegetarian
or atheist
or some combination of the above.

They show you glimpses of their humanity;
of sweetness;
of tenderness;
of kindness;
but then quickly help you forget they are capable of being vulnerable
and go back to being selfish, self-absorbed and apathetic.
They ignore you,
and then they write stories and poetry and blogs and lyrics about finding love.
And then, after four weeks--
or three months,
or two years--
of fucking around, they call you
or text you
or email you
or show up uninvited
and don't understand why you seem upset.

In conclusion:
Just because you say you are something doesn't make it so.
Be nice.
SHUT UP.
Don't ask me out 100 times if I've said no twice.
Don't bother texting me after you've blown me off twice.
Goals. Have some.
I'm staring at you because you're my boyfriend and I think you're cute, you asshat.
You're less self-aware than you think
and more transparent than you think.
And I will love you anyway.

Happy is as happy does

People are like marshmallows. They get hard on the outside when they're under fire, but inside they're just soft and squishy.

Okay so people aren't really like marshmallows, but I like analogies and I wanted to make that one worked.
It has nothing to do with anything. This blog post is going to wander, so I wanted you to have visions of marshmallows dancing in your head in case you get bored.

It's hard to take a stand on what you want for your life when you don't know what you want. It's hard to make decisions when you honestly don't know what would be best for you. And when your options are so scarce or non-existent, it becomes more about taking whatever you can get over meeting your needs. But if you don't know what you need, then…this discussion is already over.

My best friend recently asked me if I missed college (even though she already knew the answer).
No, I do not.
It's surprising to me that even though there's so much uncertainty in my life, and I can get so anxious about all the instability and not knowing and HOLY CRAP WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'm not unhappy.
And it's because I'm not in school anymore.
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to go to a different school or to have not been miserable at mine, but everything brought me to where I am now, not to sound overly philosophical. And I probably wouldn't have two ridiculously amazing best friends if my college life had gone any differently.

I don't like the word "happy." It's all semantics, sure, but happy feels shallow and selfish. I'm "happy" I just bought a new pair of jeans that are really soft, even though they were expensive. Eating curry makes me happy. I'm happy when children are not annoying.

But being motivated or ambitious, getting a callback from a job, writing a kickass short story--that doesn't make me happy. It makes me joyful, excited, fulfilled. And to me, those words imply so many other feelings than a simple "happy" does. Happy means happy. Happy doesn’t mean anything. I'm totally off on a tangent here, I know, but hear me out.

Who cares if you're happy? People are so worried about being happy. I worry about it, too. But it's more that I make sure I'm not unfulfilled. And if I am, I make sure I’m doing something about it. If you were paying attention, I used the word unhappy earlier; It's hard not to. I feel like I check up on myself to make sure I'm not unhappy--but what I'm really doing is making sure I never feel as depressed and disheartened as I was. I don't think life is about being happy. I think it's about being put or putting yourself in challenging situations. And you find, fight, work and grow your way out of them. And you become a more fully realized person--and happy has nothing to do with it.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, actually. I just want to erase "happy" from my vocabulary. It's like how the Greek and Hebrew words for "love" or "peace" encompass so much more than what they mean when translated into English. I need a word like that to explain what I mean.
Semantics. Yes, I hear you. But words carry weight. It's why I write, after all.

What the Frack-tion?

Today at work there were far too many numbers for my brain to compute.

If a company sends out 5,000 direct-mail coupons and 1,300 people respond, making the redemption rate 26 percent, and a list of 3,400 clients is collected, and ultimately the response rate, through viral marketing, grows to 15,000 people,
how long does it take until Michelle's brain explodes?

Someone do the math on that and get back to me.

I had to have the CEO of a company explain these numbers to me about four different times until I understood what was going on. I felt like I was in kindergarten. At least he didn't talk to me like a child, I guess.

Not to mention I also had to try to figure out the percent margin on what one hotel makes on their markup of Macallan 12-year scotch. I need about three, $12 1.5 oz shots of the $42 bottle after trying to calculate their margin. SPOILER: I fail to calculate the correct number.

Speaking of Macallan, I know how much many different bars across the United States charge for a shot, so if you're into countrywide consumption of scotch, you know who to call, my friends.

I can also give you the names of some premier mixologists in the Vegas and Denver areas, as well as let you know which bar some of the details of the JPMorgan Chase buyout of WaMu occurred.

And did I mention I AM READY FOR A VACATION? NOW.